Me: I have a dilemma.
Me: Every year we have all these weeds in our flower beds, and I read that a good way to get them under control is to use a pre-emergent herbicide. So I went and bought one. But it says on the package that you shouldn’t let your pets near the areas where you spread it until it’s thoroughly watered into the soil.
Chris: They probably just put that on there so they don’t get sued. Besides, our cats don’t go outside.
Me: No, I know our actual pets won’t get sick, but what about the bunnies?
Chris: The what?
Me: The bunnies. We have bunnies that live outside.
Chris: We do?
Me: Yeah. I would be super sad if I killed bunnies just because I’m not a fan of dandelions next to my trees. That would be horrible.
Chris: You have the strangest attachments. They’re not our bunnies.
Me: But I like the bunnies. I watch them frolic while I play piano.
Chris: You what?
Me: I can see them outside the window by the piano. So I play the piano and sing and I watch them hop around and it makes me happy. I would be sad if I couldn’t watch them frolic anymore.
Chris: Oh my god…. you’re living in a Disney movie.
Me: And what about Commodore Squirrelington?
Chris: It’s amazing. You act like they’re part of our family.
Me: They do live here.
Chris: They don’t pay the mortgage.
Me: Well what is Commodore Squirrelington going to pay with? Nuts?
Chris: That would be hilarious.
Me: So we’d just find a pile of nuts on the deck, like, “Here, take my nuts. Please just don’t poison me.”